We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
