Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
