the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
