I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
