No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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