Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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