I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
