I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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