Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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