I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night