dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.