That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
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she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are