I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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