dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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