You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
