My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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