I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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