I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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