It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
