so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
