I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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