i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
