just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
