I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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