i don't like sucking hair
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
