I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
