This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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