my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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