is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This baby is an asshole
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
