mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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