There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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