i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
