I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
