WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
