she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
