So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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