I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
