I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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