I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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