if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
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MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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