his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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