You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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