I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
