Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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