I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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