Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
