I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
