awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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