my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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