my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's just like the Real World with babies
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My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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