Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
