You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
