it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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