the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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