So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
