Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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