i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
